The List
by Evalecia
Summary: The List of things Kameron Morge is not allowed to do at Hogwarts. A series of drabbles featuring all your favorite characters. Based on the list Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts.
1. Default

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**Title:** The List

**Author:** Emily

**Genre:** Humor/General

**Rating:** T … to be safe and for some language later on … mostly just to be safe though.

**Summary:** The List of things Kameron Morge is not allowed to do at Hogwarts. A series of drabbles featuring all your favorite characters. Based on the list Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts.

**A/N:** If you haven't read the actual list before, you've been hiding under a rock. I've picked 75 of my favorites from the list and written a pre-courser to them. AKA, I've given each rule a story for how that rule got put in place. When I'm done with them all I will post the actual list, or at least the ones I've chosen to write about. These drabbles are in no particular order, except for the first one. The first chapter is when our Trio first met Kameron Morge. It was the beginning of fourth year, as Kameron transferred into Hogwarts that year. Nobody knows where she was previously, only that she's from America. In many cases, these will be canon, though I can't promise they will be compatible through HBP and DH.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, that's Miss Jo. I don't own the list of Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts, and I don't know who (if anyone) owns that. I do own Kameron Morge and my take on the origin of the rules that she was placed under.

**A/N (again):** Some of these are pretty damn short… you'll see what I mean.

K, so here we go!

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	2. 1 Skywalker

**#1**

* * *

"Hey, who's that?"

Harry and Hermione looked up from studying at Ron's question. Walking towards their spot under the tree near the lake was a figure in a black hooded cloak, walking slowly.

"I don't know," Harry said. "Should we, er… run, or something?"

Hermione looked around the Hogwarts grounds. "No one else is running."

It was true. All the other students had apparently either not noticed the creepy black-clad form or didn't care. So Ron, Harry and Hermione just sat there and watched as it came closer.

As it neared they began to hear its breathing; loud and rhythmic. Soon it stood directly in front of them.

They waited for it to speak.

"Harry Potter?" said a deep, breathy voice.

"Um, yes, I'm Harry," Harry said. He only hesitated a moment before asking, "Who're you?"

"I am…," the voice paused for dramatic effect, "…your father."

Three mouths simultaneously dropped open in shock.

* * *


	3. 5 Evil

**#5**

* * *

Draco Malfoy looked over at his new Potions partner. Though Snape was talking about the fine points of today's potion and she was supposed to be taking notes, Kameron was instead writing some sort of list.

Draco craned his head and tried to look like he wasn't spying on her writing even though he really was. His eyes went to the top of the page where the title was written. He was so shocked that he couldn't catch himself before blurting, "The Evil Overlord List?"

Kameron, Snape and the rest of the Gryffindor/Slytherin Potions class stared at him. Though he was inwardly embarrassed, outwardly he kept his cool appearance. He pointed to Kameron, "She wrote it."

Kameron glared at him. "Why are you reading my personal writings?"

He glared back with an added sneer. "Why are you writing about Evil Overlords?"

"Yes, Ms. Morge," Snape folded his arms over his chest. "Why _are_ you writing about Evil Overlords?"

Kameron sighed. "It's a Muggle thing. The Evil Overlord List is a list of corrections to the common mistakes of evil overlords that eventually leads to the downfall of their empire. Basically, it's tips on how to be a world conqueror. I was planning on Owling it to the Dark Lord"

The class continued to stare at her, in slight disbelief.

"You're telling Voldemort how to be a better bad guy?" Harry said incredulously. Some of the Slytherins, however, looked as if Christmas had come early.

"Its more of a joke," she explained. She held the parchment out to him, "Read number thirty-four."

He took it and read the tip. And promptly burst out laughing. He scanned the other "tips" and looked at her. "These are ridiculous! It's corrections to cliché Muggle _fictional_ evil overlord's mistakes!"

"Well, duh," Kameron rolled her eyes as she took back the list. "Like I was actually going to send the Dark Lord a how-to on death and destruction? Give me a break."

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**A/N:** I don't own the Evil Overlord List. You can find it at (www. eviloverlord. com/lists/overlord. html). Without the spaces.

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	4. 7 Woody

**#7**

* * *

"So the girl says," Fred paused, his wide grin threatening to split his face, "'I stepped on a duck'."

The Gryffindor common room reverberated with peals of laughter as Ron's ears turned beet red.

Hermione put a hand on his shoulder consolingly, though she too was laughing. "Relax, Ron, it's only a joke."

He looked down at his hands. "Yeah, I guess." He looked up and smiled tightly. "It _was_ pretty funny."

Fred spread his arms and looked around at the faces of the small group assembled in front of the fire. "Anyone got something better?" he challenged.

"I know a good one about Oliver Wood," Dean suggested.

George groaned. "Please, don't. I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name."

Kameron raised her eyebrows. "Oh, really?" Everyone turned to her. "Would you care to put some money on that?"

George also raised his brows, "Sure. If you know a joke about Oliver's name that I haven't heard before, and if it's as funny as Fred's duck joke, I'll give you," he stopped and thought a moment, "3 galleons and two free Skiving Snackboxes."

The crowd 'oohed' at his offer.

Kameron smiled. "I accept."

* * *

Four minutes later, every person listening had wide eyes of astonishment. It was silent for a few suspended seconds, then suddenly they all broke out laughing. Some even had tears streaming from their eyes. A few looked disgusted, others seemed embarrassed.

George took out his coin purse and tossed it to Kameron. He shook his head, still laughing.

"You earned it!"

* * *

**A/N:** If you want to know Fred's joke (it's one of my personal favorites) just ask!

Also, I'm not funny enough to come up with a really good Oliver Wood joke, so if you've got one, get it to me and I might implement it into this drabble. Yay! Audience participation!

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	5. 18 and 23 Extra

**#18 and #23**

* * *

"Yes! I have a P in Divination!"

Hermione shook her head. "P stands for Poor, Kameron. It's not a good thing."

The smile dropped from her face. "Oh. I thought it was for Perfect."

"Well, at least you're doing well in Potions," Ron pointed out. "That's a class you actually need to pass."

"It's unfair that Snape likes you," Harry complained.

"He doesn't; he's just afraid of me," Kameron said. She sighed. "I need to bring up my grade. Does Trelawney accept bribes?"

The trio shook their heads.

"How about blackmail? Do we have anything on her?"

She got three blank stares.

"Maybe some extra credit, then."

* * *

"Ask it anything you want, Professor!" Kameron exclaimed. "The Magic Eight Ball knows all the secrets of the Earth!"

Professor Trelawney took the large black ball and looked at it. "Is my name Sybil Trelawney?"

She shook the ball and waited. "'Not a chance.' Mm-hmm. Just as I thought. A fake."

Kameron gasped and grabbed the Magic Eight Ball from her hands. "You've been lying to us all this time, Professor? Or _are_ you our professor? How are we supposed trust you anymore!"

"That's a D for the day, Miss Morge."

"D for Darling?"

"D for Dreadful."

* * *

"Go ahead and take one, Professor! I brought enough for everybody."

Professor Trelawney looked at the strange food curiously. "What is this, Miss Morge?"

"Crack it open!"

Sybil did so and a small piece of paper floated to the ground.

"It's a fortune cookie!" Kameron announced. "Read your fortune, Professor!"

"'Your word of the day is GENEROSITY. Give all of your students Outstanding grades'," She read aloud. She looked up at the hopeful girl from behind her glasses. "Nice try, Miss Morge. I believe that leaves you with a T."

Kameron's shoulders slumped. "Terrible?"

"Troll."

* * *


	6. 20 Wiz

**#20**

* * *

"To the Headmaster's office, Miss Morge!" Professor Sprout shouted as the greenhouse was filled to the brim with roots from the mutated plants. "IMMEDIATELY."

Kameron's face was red as she ran out onto the grounds, partly to obey the professor, partly to escape the rapidly growing magical plant. Once a safe distance from the greenhouse she sighed in relief and walked calmly toward the castle.

Half way there a hand clamped tightly onto her arm. Gregory Goyle sneered down at her.

"Sprout told me to escort you to the Headmaster."

"Well, if you must."

It took her until they were walking through the Entrance Hall to extract herself from his grip. They continued walking in silence. The Headmaster's office was quite a ways from the front doors and it was a very boring walk there. Kameron soon grew bored.

"Stop whistling," Goyle growled.

"Fine."

She began to hum.

"Stop that!"

"Fine!"

"…"

"Laaa-LA-lala-lalala-lalalalala-lala. Lala-laLA-lalalala-lalalala-lala. Lalalalala--"

"SHUT UP."

"FINE!"

"…"

"Weeeee'rrre OFF to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz. We hear he is a wiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was. If ever-oh-ever a wiz there was—"

"What the hell are you singing?"

"We're Off to See the Wizard."

"What the hell is that?"

"It's from The Wizard of Oz."

"What?"

"A Muggle movie."

"Well, stop it."

"Why?"

"'Cuz I SAID SO."

"Fine, jeez."

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**A/N:** C'mon, you know it'd be tempting.

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	7. 24 and 48 Date

**#24 and #48**

* * *

Potions first thing on Mondays was about the cruelest fate the world come think up for Hogwarts students. Unfortunately, it seemed as though the world had turned its back on the Gryffindors.

Today, though, it was more bearable than usual. After all, there was the Yule Ball and then Holiday Break to look forward to. The students were buzzing with gossip on who was going with whom. Hermione was going with Viktor Krum, Ginny with Neville, Harry and Ron were freaking out because neither of them could find a date, and Kameron just wasn't sure who she wanted to ask.

"Why don't you go with Dean?" Hermione suggested.

Kameron shook her head.

"Why not? I hear he hasn't got a date yet."

She shrugged, "'Cuz I don't want to. I'll keep him as a last resort, though."

Hermione's face turned thunderous and Kameron immediately regretted her choice of words.

"I mean… you're absolutely right, Hermione! Dean's a swell guy. I'll ask him today!"

By the end of Potions though, Kameron had a different plan.

"Excuse me, Professor?"

Snape looked up from grading the pop quiz he'd given the second years on Friday. "Dare I ask what it is you want, Ms. Morge?"

Kameron bit her lip, every inch the nervous schoolgirl. "Well, actually, I was just wondering… I mean, if you want to… You can say no, it's okay… I just thought…"

Snape rolled his eyes. "Oh for Heaven's sake, spit it out!"

Kameron smiled winningly. "Will you go to the Yule Ball with me?"

His face, if it was possible, went paler. "Excuse me?"

Kameron kept her smile up, "I was just trying to think of who to ask to the ball, and I realized that I most want to go with you!"

He looked at her for a moment and then said simply, "No."

Kameron's smile dropped and she trudged dejectedly from the room.

* * *

The next day it was the same.

"Professor, I know I've already asked you, but I thought maybe now that you'd slept on it you may have changed your mind. So… will you go to the dance with me?"

"No."

* * *

And the next.

"Professor, maybe now you'd like to go to the Yule Ball with me?"

"No, I would not."

* * *

And the next.

"Professor—"

"NO."

* * *

The day before the ball, Harry found Kameron outside, lying on her stomach on the dock, her face beneath the waters of the lake.

Suddenly she surfaced, breathing heavily.

"Er, Kameron, what are you doing?"

She answered him, still gulping for breath, "Trying to get the giant squid to be my date to the Ball. I figure it'll make Snape totally jealous."

Harry raised his eyebrows.

"Or it'll at least completely ruin his night."

* * *


	8. 25 Artist

**#25**

* * *

While the rest of the class was sleeping through Binns' lecture, Hermione was busily taking notes. Even she, however, would suddenly come to realize that she hadn't heard his last sentence because she had been dozing.

All of a sudden, she saw some movement from the corner of her eye. She turned her head.

What was Kameron doing?

Kameron Morge was silently crawling from desk to desk, stopping at each one for a bit to do something. Hermione craned her neck to try and see what her friend was currently doing to Lavender Brown. It looked as if she was drawing on her arm… yes that was a Sharpie.

Curious, Hermione reached over to grab Ron's left arm, which was hanging off the desk. She pulled it up, turned it over and gasped. Drawn on his skin was an exceptional likeness of the Dark Mark.

Behind her, Harry's elbow slipped and he awoke. He must have seen his arm because she then heard a, "WTF?!"

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	9. 2 Hardcore

**#2**

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"_Look_ at this, guys!" Harry snarled as he showed them the scars on his hand from Umbridge's detention.

Ron, Hermione and Kameron gasped.

"That woman is absolutely dreadful!" Hermione exclaimed.

"You should show McGonagall, mate," Ron added.

"No, what you should do is cause a distraction and then sneak into her office, steal the quill, and laugh when she can't find it the next time you go to detention."

The trio looked at Kameron Morge in shock. Ever since their slightly odd meeting back in September of fourth year, Kameron had been into all sorts of trouble and done many, what she referred to as, 'hardcore' things. But this was insane.

"No, I'm not going to do that!"

She looked at Harry strangely, "Well, why not?"

He gave her the same look. "_Because_ we'd get caught! And even if we didn't, I'd still get in trouble when Umbridge can't find her quill and blames me!"

Kameron looked down her nose at him, "Wuss."

Harry looked affronted. "I am not! I just don't want to get into any more trouble with the school _or_ the Ministry of Magic, thank you very much."

The blonde rolled her grey eyes. "Fine, I'll do it."

Ron grinned. "Yeah, right."

"I will. Just wait, I'll prove it."

* * *

The next day, Kameron showed them her left hand at breakfast. Cut and scarred into the back of it was 'I told you I was hardcore'.

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	10. 9 Dangerous

**#9**

* * *

"So I was thinking," Kameron started. Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny looked at her. "You all either have or have had a pet. Harry has Hedwig, Hermione has Crookshanks, Ginny has Pig and Ron used to have Scabbers." The others waited for her to get to her point. "So how come I don't have a pet?"

Harry shrugged. "Because you haven't bought one yet, I guess."

Kameron nodded slowly, contemplating what he'd said. "I think I'm gonna buy one."

Hermione and Ginny seemed thrilled.

"What are you going to get?"

"Can I help you pick out a name?"

"I don't know, and yes," Kameron said. "I'll tell you when I decide."

* * *

At the end of the very next Hogsmeade weekend, Kameron came home with something long, brown, and scaly wrapped around her neck.

Ginny screamed bloody murder. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THAT?!"

Kameron smiled happily. "It's a reticulated python! I've named him Monty. I think he's sleeping right now—the guy said they were mostly nocturnal."

Ginny fainted.

* * *

"Does the school get Internet access?"

Harry sighed. "No."

"Telephone?"

"Nope."

"Snail mail?"

"Owl mail is all we've got."

"What about Floo?"

"Students can't."

"Oh."

"…"

"Can I borrow Hedwig?"

He looked at Kameron suspiciously. "Why?"

"…"

"Kameron…"

"I may be looking to acquire a snow leopard."

"What for!"

"My pet."

"I don't think they allow ferocious jungle cats at the school."

"Oh. What do you think of piranhas?"

"…"

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Where would I keep it?"

* * *

"Miss Morge."

"Yes Professor McGonagall?"

"Hagrid has brought to my attention that you asked him for the addresses of several Tasmanian devil breeders."

"Yes, ma'am."

"You are aware that Tasmanian devils are against the rules here."

"No, ma'am, I wasn't."

"Well, that oversight has now been rectified, correct?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Which means you will not be contacting any of these breeders, correct?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Very good."

_Damn_.

* * *

"So, Kameron," Hermione said, "have you decided on a pet, yet?"

Kameron was quiet for a moment. "You know, I think I'll do just fine without one for now."

* * *


	11. 10 Snookums

**#10**

* * *

Severus Snape hated Mondays. He hated school, always had. He hated mornings. And most of all he hated his students.

_Speak of the Devil_, he sighed inwardly as Kameron Morge approached the head table of the Great Hall.

The fourth year smiled and held out an apple to him. "Have a wonderful day, Snookums!" She blew him a kiss with a wide sweep of her hand and flounced back to the Gryffindor table.

Severus' cheeks burned as he turned to see all the other teachers staring at him.

"Severus?" Minerva's quizzical tone made him blush harder.

He cleared his throat nervously. "Just a joke, of course."

One by one the professors went back to their breakfasts. Albus was the last, his eyes twinkling merrily.

_I am going to kill that girl_.

Above all else, he hated Kameron Morge.

* * *

The next morning seemed better.

He had been sure to take as many points away from Gryffindor as he could (without getting too ridiculous) in revenge.

Kameron, however, just smiled and gazed up at him adoringly. The only reason he was sure this was a joke was that Potter and his lackeys were hiding smirks behind their hands.

Severus was just thankful that none of the professors had brought it up.

"Oh, Severus," Madam Hooch nudged him with her elbow and nodded toward something.

He looked up and groaned.

"Happy Tuesday, Sevvy!"

Kameron placed another apple on the table in front of him and walked away.

Several of the teachers, Hooch included, were smothering giggles. He glared at them menacingly and threw the apple away, as he had done with the first one. Who knew what sort of charm Morge had put on it?

* * *

Severus skipped breakfast the next day, hoping to curb the teen's antics. He was surprised when it actually worked. Lunch and dinner were Kameron-free. He felt safe enough to eat breakfast the next day.

* * *

Unfortunately, he was wrong.

"I'm so glad to see you this morning, Snapey-poo. You know, breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" The blonde plopped _two_ apples onto his plate before smiling and walking off.

Severus glared at her all through Potions that day, not paying attention when other students asked for his help, and ignoring their groans when he gave them a pop quiz. But Kameron kept that insufferable smile on her face the entire time.

He called her up to his desk after class.

"Yes, Professor?"

He spoke to her through gritted teeth. "I would greatly appreciate it, Ms. Morge, if you would refrain from addressing me with nicknames or making my name sound cutesy."

Kameron looked serious as she nodded. "Oh, absolutely, Professor. I had _no_ idea it was making you uncomfortable."

Snape snorted in obvious disbelief. But he was glad the issue had been taken care of.

* * *

The next morning he was given yet another apple as a cheery Kameron Morge said, "Lovely weather we're having, wouldn't you agree, Debbie, dear?"

As the professors laughed, Severus slumped in his seat.

_I hate my life._

**

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**A/N:**

The Debbie thing's kind of an inside joke between me and my sister. (Don't ask).

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	12. 12 Courage

**#12**

* * *

Hermione Granger looked with obvious disgust at the brown amber bottle.

"Kameron, what are you drinking?"

Kameron Morge took a large swig of the beverage and smacked her lips. "Just some good 'ole Gryffindor Courage."

"Looks more like plain old Firewhiskey to me," she said pointedly.

Kameron turned the bottle so that she could see the lettering on it. "Hmm… well, would you look at that!" She pointed her wand and muttered something under her breath. Suddenly it read GRYFFINDOR COURAGE where the FIREWHISKEY had been.

Hermione shook her head. "Charming the label doesn't change the contents."

Kameron laughed and looked at Hermione completely sober. "Hermione, relax."

She grinned. "It's just Butterbeer."

* * *


	13. 13 Forgivable

**#13**

* * *

It was the middle of the night.

Harry was shaken awake. "Ugnnh, whassamatter?"

"Harry, wake up. Harry."

The shaking continued. Harry cracked open his eyes.

"Kameron!" he sat up quickly and pushed his glasses up his nose. "What are you doing up here! It's the middle of the night!"

"I need to ask you something." The blonde was dressed all in black, even a black beanie covering her tell-tale blonde hair. She looked like a burglar.

Harry looked her up and down. He sighed, "What did you do?"

She looked slightly sheepish. "Well, I woke up and I had the most fabulous idea. It seemed like a good idea at the time, so I went ahead and did it. Now I'm thinking it might not have been quite as swell of an idea as I thought it was, but I don't know the counter charm."

"_What_ did you _do_?" he repeated, growling.

She looked down at her hands. "I may have dyed the entire Slytherin house's hair electric blue. It was a special hex I found in one of Hermione's books. It's supposed to make their hair that color for three days and they can only eat blue foods without having a horrible taste fill their mouths."

Harry looked at her like she was crazy.

"It was a funny spell!" she cried defensively. "Kinda weird and kinda gross and kinda cool." Her voice got quieter, "I thought it was hardcore."

Harry rolled his eyes as he swung his legs out of bed. "Everything you consider 'hardcore' always turns out to get us in trouble."

Kameron gasped, insulted, "It does not!"

Harry pulled on a dressing robe. "Well go on and get Hermione and that book. I'll wait in the common room."

* * *

"You shouldn't have used that spell, Kameron," Hermione chided. "As far as I can tell there is no way to reverse the effects; none that's listed here anyway. This is a book of potentially dangerous spells. If the Slytherins don't figure out the blue food only rule, they'll be starved for three days! You'll have to tell them."

* * *

Kameron went early to breakfast the next day. She was the first one there, before any of the teachers even. She stood before the head table and waited.

After everyone had filed into the Great Hall (with much grumbling from the Slytherins at their morning surprise and much laughter towards them from all the other houses) Kameron looked to the Headmaster.

"May I please make an announcement?"

Albus Dumbledore's eyebrows rose but he nodded and stood. Immediately the room grew quiet (aside from some more hushed Slytherin mumbles).

"Miss Morge has something she would like to say to you all." He sat.

Kameron turned to the student body. "Slytherins," they ceased their talking and looked to her; "You might have noticed that your hair color seems a bit off today." She paused as the room again filled with noise. She waited. When it was silent again, she continued, "Some of you might also have noticed that the food in front of you does not taste quite as scrumptious as you thought it would." Sounds of agreement came from their table. "That is because, for as long as your hair is blue (three days, by the way) your body will only accept blue foods." Uproar. "I don't know if that only includes naturally blue foods or not, but either way that doesn't leave you many options. Blueberries are about all I've got. Anyway, that's all I have to say. Carry on."

As she walked back towards the Gryffindor table, incredulous shouts from the Slytherins followed her.

Her punishment was detention for two weeks and she too was allowed only blueberries for the next three days.

* * *


	14. 21 Career

**#21**

* * *

Harry was on his way to Professor McGonagall's office to discuss his career when he saw Kameron sitting outside the room. She was leafing through a pamphlet about becoming a Wand Maker and had several hundred others stacked up beside her.

She heard his footsteps and looked up. "Hi Harry," she said glumly.

"Er, hi," he looked at all of her leaflets. "Did McGonagall give you all of those?"

She sighed. "Yeah. It's to help me decide my career path."

"I thought you knew what you wanted to do."

"I did. But apparently," she made a face, "it's not _appropriate_."

Harry's nervousness about the meeting escalated. "Why, what was it?"

She looked at him in complete seriousness.

"To conquer the world with flying monkeys."

* * *


	15. 31 Sign

**#31**

* * *

The Golden Trio, well, Quartet really, was taking a leisurely evening walk around the school grounds when suddenly Ron gasped.

The others looked at him. "What's up?"

He pointed to the sky. Hovering above Hogsmeade was what resembled a green constellation of stars. They, too, gasped.

Kameron pointed to the Dark Mark and shouted, "To the Batmobile, Robin!"

**

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**

**A/N:**

I don't own Batman.

* * *


End file.
